Why Did My Child Ask If I Would Believe Her Over an Adult?
Earlier this week, on our usual drive to school, my almost 10-year-old daughter, Della, posed a deeply introspective question: “If an adult tells you something happened and I tell you something different, would you believe me or the adult?”
Wow! That’s the kind of question that stops you in your tracks.
I told her that I would ask her about the discrepancy and if she stood by her side of the story, I would believe her. Not just because she’s my child, but because she has earned my trust. Since she was little, I’ve made it a priority to reinforce the value of honesty, even when telling the truth has consequences. She knows that while there might be repercussions for her actions, honesty is always appreciated in our home. In fact, I still remember when she bravely admitted to eating all the sugar cubes in the cabinet or instigating her sister, Emma. Instead of reacting with frustration, I acknowledged her honesty and made it clear how much I valued her telling the truth.
This moment with Della got me thinking—why did she ask this question? And more importantly, how can parents build the kind of relationship where their children feel secure enough to ask such profound questions? Let’s explore some possible reasons behind her curiosity and strategies for fostering trust with our children.
Why Might a Child Ask This Question?
1. Testing the strength of parental trust
Children naturally seek reassurance that their parents believe in them. Della’s question may have stemmed from a need to confirm that our bond remains unshaken, even in situations where her word is challenged.
2. Navigating the concept of authority
As children grow, they start encountering different sources of authority: teachers, coaches, other parents. They may wonder where they stand in comparison to those figures and whether their voice holds the same weight.
3. Encountering conflicting information
Children often hear differing perspectives on events, whether at school, among friends, or even within the family. This can spark curiosity about how truth is determined and who gets to define it.
4. Personal experience with being doubted
Though I cannot recall this at home, perhaps she had recently been in a situation where her account was questioned. Kids are perceptive, and a past moment where she felt unheard may have prompted her to seek reassurance from me.
5. Moral and ethical development
At almost 10 years old, Della is at a stage where she is thinking critically about fairness, justice, and truth. Her question reflects an evolving understanding of how truth is perceived and weighed by others.
How Parents Can Build and Maintain Mutual Trust with Their Children
1. Create a safe space for truth
From a young age, I’ve made a big deal about appreciating honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable. If a child knows they won’t be unfairly punished for telling the truth, they are far more likely to continue being honest. There is a fine line between laying out the consequences in a fair manner and reacting disproportionately.
2. Validate their feelings and perspectives
When children share something, whether a small daily detail or a major confession, take it seriously. Show them that their words matter by listening attentively and acknowledging their experiences.
3. Follow through on your promises
If you tell your child you’ll do something, follow through. Consistency builds trust. If they see you as someone who keeps their word, they’ll be more likely to believe you when you assure them of your support.
4. Model honesty yourself
Children learn by example. If they see parents being truthful in everyday situations, even admitting mistakes, they will internalize honesty as a core value.
5. Avoid overreacting to the truth
One of the biggest trust-killers is an extreme reaction to an honest confession. If a child fears an intense negative response, they might start hiding things. Instead, acknowledge the truth, discuss any necessary consequences calmly, and reinforce their decision to be honest.
6. Encourage open conversations
Regular check-ins, like chatting in the car or at bedtime, help establish an ongoing dialogue. Kids are more likely to ask tough questions when they feel comfortable expressing their thoughts freely.
7. Teach them to think critically about different perspectives
Rather than simply saying, “I’ll always believe you,” take it a step further by discussing how people see things differently and why truth can sometimes be complicated. This helps children navigate situations where they might need to stand by their own truth.
8. Reassure them that their voice matters
Children need to feel like they are heard and respected. If they come to you with a concern, show that you value their perspective. This ensures they will continue to trust you with their thoughts and experiences.
9. Help them understand mistakes are learning opportunities
If they make a mistake, instead of focusing solely on discipline, use it as a teaching moment. Discuss what could be done differently next time and how honesty helps build strong relationships.
10. Celebrate Moments of Honesty
When your child chooses to tell the truth, even when it’s difficult, acknowledge it. A simple, “I really appreciate you being honest with me,” reinforces positive behavior and strengthens trust.
Final Thoughts
Della’s question was more than just a passing curiosity; it was a reflection of the trust we’ve built over the years. Children need to know they are believed, respected, and valued. By fostering an environment where honesty is encouraged and trust is mutual, parents can ensure that their children feel safe asking life’s toughest questions.
Every parent-child relationship is different, but one universal truth remains: when kids feel secure in their relationship with their parents, they will continue to open up, seek guidance, and trust in the love and support they receive at home.
If your child asked you this question, how would you answer? And more importantly, how can you continue building a foundation of trust that lasts a lifetime?