Friendships during the tween years can be a rollercoaster of emotions. One day, your child is inseparable from their best friend; the next, they’re sitting alone at recess wondering what changed. As parents, it’s heartbreaking to watch our children struggle with feeling unimportant to someone they care about.
Recently, I noticed my daughter Emma experiencing something new in a friendship. Normally, she’s confident, outgoing, and often the leader in her group of friends. But one particular friendship had her taking a backseat—waiting alone at recess while her friend had “private” conversations with someone else and accepting being pushed aside for seating arrangements on a field trip.
This behavior alarmed me, not because the friend prioritized someone else—that’s life—but because of how Emma was accepting it without question. My instinct was to tell her to stop being available, to make other plans, to stand up for herself. But I didn’t want to turn childhood friendships into a game of who has the upper hand. So how do we teach our tweens self-worth and confidence in friendships without unnecessary drama?
Here’s how to guide them with emotional intelligence and practical strategies.
1. Help them identify how they feel
Instead of immediately offering advice, start with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions like:
“How did you feel when your friend asked you to wait?”
“Did it make you happy to sit alone, or did you wish you were playing with someone else?”
Encouraging tweens to recognize and name their emotions builds self-awareness. When they realize that being left out makes them feel sad or unimportant, they can start making choices that protect their emotional well-being.
2. Reframe the situation with perspective
Instead of labeling the other child’s actions as wrong, help your tween see the full picture. Try asking:
“Do you think your friend realizes how you feel?”
“Have you ever been in a situation where you had to choose between two friends?”
This approach prevents resentment while encouraging empathy. It also helps them understand that prioritization in friendships happens, and it’s okay, but that doesn’t mean they should always be on the back burner.
3. Teach the value of mutual friendship
Friendships should feel balanced. If your child is always the one waiting, compromising, or being dismissed, it’s time for a conversation about reciprocity.
Ask:
“Who makes you feel good about yourself when you spend time with them?”
“Which friends include you and make an effort?”
Encourage them to invest in friendships where they are valued and appreciated. This doesn’t mean cutting off other friends but rather shifting focus toward relationships that bring joy and respect.
4. Give them a confident response toolkit
Many tweens don’t know how to respond in situations where they feel left out. Instead of just telling them to “find new friends,” equip them with words that empower them.
If a friend excludes them: “That’s okay! I’ll go see what [another friend] is up to.”
If a friend always prioritizes someone else: “I understand, but I really want to sit with someone who wants to sit with me too.”
If they feel disappointed: “I need a friend who makes me feel included. Let’s talk when you’re ready to hang out.”
These simple responses teach them to set boundaries without creating conflict.
5. Lead by example
Tweens watch how we handle our own friendships. If they see us bending over backward for people who don’t reciprocate, they learn that’s normal. Show them what healthy friendships look like by prioritizing relationships where you feel valued and setting boundaries where you don’t.
6. Reinforce their worth
At this age, it’s easy for kids to believe they need to “earn” friendships. Remind your child:
“You don’t have to chase people who don’t make time for you.”
“The right friends will want to be with you.”
“You are fun, kind, and a great friend. Never forget that.”
When they feel secure in their own worth, they’ll naturally gravitate toward people who see and appreciate them for who they are.
7. Encourage expanding their social circle
Sometimes, kids hold onto one friendship so tightly that they don’t realize how many other great connections are available. Encourage your child to:
Play with different kids at recess.
Sit with new classmates at lunch.
Join a club or activity that interests them.
Broadening their friendships helps them see that their worth isn’t tied to one person’s attention.
To close…
It’s hard to watch our children navigate these emotional moments, especially when we want to step in and fix things. But by equipping them with the right mindset and tools, we help them build resilience and confidence.
The goal isn’t to teach them to play mind games or retaliate; it’s to show them they deserve friendships that are mutual, respectful, and uplifting. And when they understand their worth, they’ll naturally gravitate toward people who see it too.
So the next time Emma tells me she’s waiting for someone to be available, I’ll gently remind her: “You don’t have to wait around. Go find the friend who’s excited to play with you right now.”
And that’s a lesson that will carry her far beyond the playground.