They say the early tween years are a whirlwind of emotions, contradictions, and learning experiences. My soon-to-be 10-year-old daughter, Della, is right in the thick of it, and her friendship with someone we’ll call Sarah has been a prime example of the complexity of this stage.
Once inseparable, my daughter and Sarah had what I’d describe as a “silent falling out.” It started during cheer practice when my daughter felt that Sarah was being bossy, telling her what to do in a way that didn’t sit right with her. Hurt and frustrated, my daughter asked me if she should tell Sarah that they were no longer friends. I suggested she take a step back and let things be. After all, putting a definitive end to a friendship at this age might close the door to reconciliation down the line. Sure enough, they found their way back to each other later, proving that tween friendships are often more fluid than they seem.
But the rollercoaster didn’t stop there. My daughter decided to invite Sarah to a playdate with six other friends at our house, only to later regret it. Yet when I casually asked her a few weeks later if Sarah was going to the father-daughter dance at school, she lit up with excitement and wanted to invite Sarah to the group dinner my husband had planned with other dads for before the event. These ups and downs have been a reminder of just how complicated friendships can be during the tween years.
As parents, it’s hard to watch our kids navigate these emotional waters. We want to protect them from hurt, but we also want them to learn how to build and maintain healthy relationships. So how do we strike that balance?
The Contradictions of Tween Years
If the early tween years had a slogan, it might be, “I’m figuring it out!” It’s fitting because that’s exactly what they’re doing…trying to make sense of emotions, friendships, and where they fit in the world. Of course, I can’t help but laugh at the irony, since I’m “figuring it out” too—just at the fabulous age of almost 40, with my blog titled Ina Figures It Out as proof. Apparently, this whole figuring-it-out business is a lifelong adventure, and my daughter and I are on parallel tracks, just in different life stages.
Why Friendships Change During Tween Years
Understanding why friendships shift during the tween years can help us approach these challenges with more empathy:
1. Growing Emotional Awareness: Tweens are beginning to recognize subtle behaviors like tone and body language, which can lead to misunderstandings. My daughter, for instance, felt Sarah’s “bossiness” at cheer was a personal slight, even though Sarah likely didn’t mean to upset her.
2. Social Circles Expand: As kids grow older, they meet new people through school, extracurriculars, and social activities. This can lead to shifting dynamics within existing friendships.
3. Emerging Independence: Tweens are learning to assert themselves and explore their preferences. My daughter’s decision to keep Sarah on the “maybe” list for her birthday party reflects this growing independence.
4. Self-Protection: When my daughter regretted inviting Sarah to the playdate, it was her way of recognizing that she needed space to feel comfortable and happy.
How Parents Can Support Their Tweens Through Friendship Ups and Downs
While we can’t shield our children from the challenges of friendships, we can provide the tools and support they need to navigate them. Here’s what I’ve learned from my daughter’s journey:
1. Listen Without Judgment
When my daughter opened up about her feelings toward Sarah, my first instinct was to jump in and offer advice. Instead, I focused on listening. When she asked if she should tell Sarah they were no longer friends, I resisted the urge to make it a “teachable moment” and instead said, “Let’s wait and see how you feel later. You might want to be friends again in the future.”
2. Validate Their Feelings
It’s easy to brush off friendship drama as “just a phase,” but these feelings are very real to our kids. When my daughter expressed regret after the playdate, I validated her emotions by saying, “It’s okay to feel like this didn’t go the way you hoped. Friendships can be tricky sometimes, and that’s normal.”
3. Encourage Reflection
Instead of jumping to conclusions about what she should do, I encouraged my daughter to reflect. Questions like, “What do you like about Sarah?” or “How do you feel when you spend time with her?” helped her think critically about their relationship and make decisions based on her own feelings.
4. Teach Healthy Boundaries
One of the biggest lessons we’ve focused on is helping her understand that it’s okay to take space from a friendship if it doesn’t feel right. I’ve reminded her that setting boundaries isn’t about being mean; it’s about making sure she feels happy and respected.
5. Celebrate the Good Moments
When my daughter was excited about Sarah joining the father-daughter dinner, I celebrated that joy with her. It reminded me that relationships are rarely black and white, they can have both beautiful and challenging moments.
6. Model Resilience and Empathy
I’ve shared stories of my own friendship ups and downs with my daughter, emphasizing how I’ve worked through conflict and grown from it. By modeling resilience and empathy, I’m showing her how to handle her own challenges.
7. Provide Perspective
When my daughter was unsure about inviting Sarah to her birthday party, I reminded her that she didn’t have to make a decision right away. “Friendships change all the time,” I said. “It’s okay to take your time and figure out how you feel.”
Lessons for the Long Run
As I watch my daughter navigate her friendship with Sarah, I’ve realized that these moments are about more than just one relationship. They’re opportunities for her to learn resilience, empathy, and self-awareness—skills she’ll carry with her for the rest of her life.
It’s not always easy to step back and let her figure things out, especially when I see her struggling. But by listening, validating her emotions, and guiding her when she needs it, I’m helping her build the confidence to navigate these challenges on her own.
If “figuring it out” is a lifelong skill, I think my daughter and I are on the right track. She’s learning how to manage her friendships, and I’m learning how to be the mom she needs—one conversation, one hug, and one life lesson at a time. Turns out, we’re both figuring it out together.